The Grace Period: Shining A Light on Lawyer Wellbeing
The Grace Period: Shining A Light on Lawyer Wellbeing
Episode 13: My Story
Growing up in a household with two attorneys, I was no stranger to the pressures and expectations that come with the legal profession. My early years were marked by an almost constant struggle with anxiety, a theme that continued to shape my life and career. From the relentless pursuit of achievements to silent battles with low mood, my journey has been both a driving force and a burden. Today, I open up about how these experiences influenced my foray into Big Law and the overwhelming stress that came with it. This episode is a heartfelt account of my initial steps toward therapy and meditation, and how a friend's vulnerability taught me that I wasn't alone in my struggles.
In 2016, my entry into Big Law brought unprecedented levels of stress, leaving me feeling isolated and overwhelmed. I discuss how managing billing and high expectations from multiple bosses became a daunting task, exacerbating my anxiety. Despite finding some solace in therapy and meditation, I often felt like I was suffering in silence—until a colleague's openness about his own anxieties helped me realize the power of honest conversations. Tune in as I emphasize the significance of community and vulnerability in coping with the pressures of the legal industry, and share insights into finding our own grace periods in this demanding profession.
Find out more at https://thegraceperiod.substack.com/.
Welcome to the Grace Period where we get real about attorney mental health and well-being and pull back the veil on the high-stakes world of big law. I'm your host, emily Logan Stedman. In this demanding profession, it is crucial that we don't lose ourselves in the hustle for billable hours. On the Grace Period, we have honest conversations about finding consistency, minimizing chaos, developing coping strategies and destigmatizing mental health. It is time to prioritize our shared humanity, to find our grace period. So far this season on the grace period, we've defined well-being and talked about why it matters for attorneys and the legal profession. Today I'll share my story. I've been publicly sharing my story for about four years, privately and on LinkedIn. To do it here in verbal or oral format is surprisingly a bit more nerve-wracking. Surprisingly a bit more nerve-wracking. So bear with me, but here we go. My story starts young. I was born to two attorney parents. My mom was a 1L. I arrived six and a half weeks early, interrupting my mom's final exams. My dad was already practicing at the time. In fact, my birth announcement is a joke about me being their newest associate. Stedman and Stedman welcomed their newest associate, emily Logan Stedman. They framed that announcement and it hung in my room.
Speaker 1:Growing up. No pressure, none at all. In first grade I remember talking to my teacher, mrs Swift, one of my all-time favorite teachers. She taught me how to tie my shoes. She told me, emily, you're going to go gray early if you don't stop worrying so much. I didn't stop worrying and at 38, I have more gray hair than most people my age. It's true, I dye it. I thought I would never have to dye my hair. I have good grays, a lot of them. For so long I worried. I was a warrior. I carried the weight of internal and external pressures with me in everything I did and external pressures with me in everything I did. But I achieved. I got those gold stars.
Speaker 1:Harvard Business Review has a podcast called Anxious Achievers. That's me. For so long I could control or manage my anxiety and low mood. It did occasionally burst out of me in big ways some that I cringe at today. You know my anxiety makes me remember them all very clearly. But overall, this propelled me to succeed. I figured out how to self-soothe, to manage and control my time and emotions, to manage and control my time and emotions, and that lasted for nearly 30 years. And then, in 2016, I entered Big Law Almost immediately my anxieties and mood became something outside of myself.
Speaker 1:All of a sudden I had multiple bosses, all with different preferences and styles. I had to bill my time in .1 or 6 minute increments something I had never done before, and people were paying for my work, paying a lot. That was a level of pressure and need to meet or beat expectations that I had simply never experienced before. Coincidentally, I had just met the man that would become my husband, so it was a lot. I was overwhelmed, I was scared. So immediately I found a therapist. Then, in a moment of total desperation, while sitting in the Milwaukee airport about to board a late night plane to Las Vegas for a bachelorette party, I tried meditation More on that next
Speaker 1:week. At first, therapy and meditation truly helped me. So I pressed on and I suffered in silence. I would sit in my office door closed, sometimes crying, sometimes totally exhausted and overwhelmed. I convinced myself I'm the only one having a hard time. I'm the only one doubting whether I can do this. I'm the only one wondering if I fit in here For a year or
Speaker 1:more. I didn't tell anyone I was struggling For all. Everyone else knew I had it all together. I portrayed that externally while deeply struggling internally. Then a colleague and dear friend opened up to me about his anxieties and stressors. I cherish that friendship. I cherish his vulnerability with me. It taught me that I wasn't alone. It helped me realize that more of us were and are feeling that way, that more of us were and are feeling that way, so I started talking about
Speaker 1:it. First, as the president of the Young Lawyers Division for the State Bar of Wisconsin, during my term, I raised this issue at almost every board meeting. I worked with the state malpractice insurance carrier to host a CLE on mindfulness and lawyer well-being. Malpractice insurance carrier to host a CLE on mindfulness and lawyer well-being. That CLE really changed everything for me because the feedback was astounding. It was much more positive and the audience was much more engaged than I had ever anticipated they would be. And still I personally continued to
Speaker 1:struggle. In 2019, coincidentally, around the time I got married I began to struggle in a way that interrupted and spilled into every aspect of my personal life. I cried a lot, among other not so healthy soothing techniques. At first, again, I tried to deal with it myself. Eventually, I got help from some partners and co-workers I could trust, but many of them were shocked to learn that I was struggling. I had hidden it so well and it was really too late. It was really too late. I was already burning out and eventually fully burned out. For me, burnout looked like giving up hobbies I loved, like tennis, struggling to make time to see friends, sleeping a lot and feeling like sleep was my only
Speaker 1:escape. Overwhelming emotions and loneliness, wanting to quit the law altogether, and scarier thoughts like wanting to get in a car accident because if I was injured just enough at least I'd get a break. Most of this was exacerbated by the pandemic. Most of this was exacerbated by the pandemic. When we were sent home, I realized how much I had been relying on the daily in-person interactions with the other associates. All of a sudden that was gone. My husband went back to work. Well before I did. Lonely is not a strong enough word for how I felt. I was deeply alone and during the workday I only talked to a screen and only about work. It was awful. I was
Speaker 1:miserable. Eventually I knew changes were required. My husband and therapist helped me understand that I didn't need to leave the law altogether. My husband and therapist helped me understand that I didn't need to leave the law altogether. A friend helped me share my resume with her firm, hush Blackwell, where I am now. When I told her I was ready to look for a new firm and I continued to
Speaker 1:share. As all of this was happening, I was asked to join the Wisconsin Task Force on Lawyer Well-Being. The attorneys I met during that process inspired and encouraged me in ways they don't likely appreciate. They empowered me to keep sharing and to start leading in this space. I also began blogging on LinkedIn. At first it started as a way to get back into writing for fun. I took a webinar on leveraging LinkedIn and started following attorney content creators. I posted here and there, usually articles I'd read or thoughts on other people's posts. I sprinkled in some Lawyer Wellbeing posts as well as posts about real life and big law. Immediately, those posts on Law, well-being and big law got the most engagement Not publicly at first, but in DMs and when I would run into people in real life, the feedback was consistent. Thank you, emily, for talking about this. So I pushed on talking about this, so I pushed on. Today, that platform has grown exponentially and taken on a life of its own, eventually leading me here to this
Speaker 1:podcast. I am forever grateful for the community I've found, in person and online, being honest and authentic about my own struggles, how I got through them and how I manage my practice so that I can continue to take care of myself. All of this is truly my life's work. Of course, I am a litigator. I say that with a huge smile on my face because I love litigating. I love managing discovery, taking depositions, building client relationships. I am starting to think about how to build my own book of business and helping clients or continuing to help clients navigate their contracts and business disputes, and in my mind, none of that stops anytime soon. I am a litigator through and through. At the same time, I love helping other attorneys, my friends, colleagues, co-workers and connections near and
Speaker 1:far. You are not alone. If you've struggled in this job or had doubts about whether you belong, that is a normal human experience. It is especially common for high achievers and there are many high achievers in our profession. Today, my birth announcement Stedman and Stedman welcome their newest associate hangs in my office. It is a reminder of where I came from and how far I've come. Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Grace Period. I hope sharing my story has helped you know that you are not alone and that it empowers you to share your story and lead by example in taking care of yourself while succeeding in law and in big
Speaker 1:law. Next week, we'll talk about mindfulness and meditation. I know this is a woo woo topic. Some of you are going to be real skeptical about it. I was too, so I promised to bring some realness to it. Remember you don't have to sacrifice your wellbeing for career success. By prioritizing self-care, setting boundaries and seeking support, you can survive and even thrive in the law and in big law. Until next time. Take care of yourselves and each other. And big law Until next time. Take care of yourselves and each other. That is the path to our grace period. Disclaimer this podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It does not constitute professional advice of any kind, including legal advice. No attorney-client relationship is created by listening to this podcast.
